The Fitting Room Musings

So, I just spent about 2½ hours by myself (no kids) shopping. Sounds just lovely doesn't it? Well, not so. I don't know if anyone else shares my sheer hatred of the department store fitting rooms. But I find them to be the emotional equivalent of a midieval torture chamber. Maybe it's the florescent lighting above, making my face/neck look all blotchy, zitty and patchy in color. Maybe it's the mirrors, did they steal them from a fun-house because I swear they skew your image and make you look much wider in the buttocks/thigh region. I simply don't look that bad when I'm at home is what I'm getting at.
See, last year between June-Nov I lost about 27 pounds. I was lookin' good. I was feelin' good. I bought new clothes, and the warmth and satisfaction as I tried on those clothes and saw how DARN GOOD they looked on me was SO incredibly satisfying.
THEN I GOT PREGNANT. I'm not saying it is a bad thing. But it does change things. Seemingly immediately. I got sick. Pregnancy nausea is an evil thing. You are so sick to your stomach you can hardly function. You spend most of your time in your pajamas on your couch. You don't hardly cook or clean, smells affect you so severely, and taking your two year old to the bathroom and back is a nauseating necessity that you can't neglect. And you EAT. YOU EAT AND EAT because it is the only way to beat the nausea back, or "deaden it" just slightly enough so you feel a tiny bit more normal. So, with the eating, and the butt-glued-to-couch lifestyle, I gained weight. I won't say how much. But it is much more than I wanted to have gained at 15 weeks of pregnancy, and I want to cry.
I did cry in the fitting room today. Call it hormones...I call it mourning over what my body has become. All I wanted to do today was to buy some shirts that will fit more comfortably during this early "too big for normal clothes but not preggers enough for maternity clothes" stage. I only selected shirts in the size of "L" or "XL" on the label, thinking I would be more generous with my size estimate. Well, as I tried each one on, I got more and more depressed. All that work I had gone through to lose all that weight and look so good....totally gone. I looked and felt huge. Those shirts were tight on my stomach (and I can't say it is "baby" because technically baby is only the size of a small apple right now), hips, upper arms, butt and thighs. I just cried even as I repeated the mantra in my mind "I am not fat, I AM Pregnant" over and over. No good. Now I remember why I never shop for myself. Of the 18 shirts I tried on, I have purchased 2. I will try them on for my husband and ask him if they make me look fat....and then decide whether or not to keep him. Boy, he has no idea what he is up against when he gets home tonight.